Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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