I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Randomize
