I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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