i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
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