Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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