i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
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