i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
