***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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