WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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