U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Randomize
