i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Randomize
