How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
