the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
