I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
he's gonorrhea incarnate
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Randomize
