Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
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