They should really pass out barf bags in church
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Two words: blizzard sex
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
