I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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