glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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