You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize