Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
