I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Your cock deserves a montage
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
