I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
