Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize