Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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