Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
