My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
