I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I stole a fireplace last night.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
