i think my tv is drunk
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize