I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
