Yo dont text me then not text me
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
