Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Randomize
