Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
I'm having to shit out rocks
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