We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
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