A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
This is my gift to your gina
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
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