Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Apparently you make a good broom.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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