Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
