This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
