We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
But he was like 75 and lives right near mom and dad. Not a threat at all.
i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I think I died a long time ago.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
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