Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
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