am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
