the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
What drink are we having for lunch?
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Randomize
