i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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