Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
