youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
So squirting runs in the family.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
