so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
this just has baby written all over it
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
