and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
