Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
should my penis look like a turkey
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Randomize
