No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Randomize
