Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
