I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
