I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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