I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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