also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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