i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Randomize
