You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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