hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
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