Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
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