Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Randomize
