hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
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