My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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