theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Reggie can tackle my bush.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Randomize
