did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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